entertainment

Leslie Jordan's updates from lockdown are the only thing getting us through these trying times

The star of 'Will & Grace' and 'American Horror Story' is the voice of a civilisation.

2020-03-31

Words: Will Stroude

As most of the the world enters its second/third/fourth week in lockdown (delete as applicable), there's one man who's getting humanity through these trying, often lonely days of isolation.

That man is Leslie Jordan.

The star of Will & Grace and American Horror Story has been lifting spirits around the globe with frankly glorious daily Instagram updates from his family home in Tennessee, where he's been practising social distancing with his beloved mother.

Whether he's offering carefully thought-out home workout routines incorporating a backscratcher and the fine art of baton-twirling, screaming at 'momma' in a fit of existential despair, or recalling the time he got arrested while high on ecstasy at Atlanta airport, Leslie's lockdown video are the life-affiming content we all need right now.

For new viewers, here are are few of Leslie's greatest hits from the last two weeks...

When he explained not everyone is using isolation to enjoy a little intimate 'me time':

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

Sex during pandemic. #masturbationisnormal #jerkingoff #chockingthechicken #everybodyisscrewing

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"[Masturbation?] My God, I'm 65, I can't even do that! Takes too long. It's too involved. I feel like you're all out there screwing, and I'm just sitting. Well, screw on."

When he recalled the time he accidentally snorted an entire gram of cocaine in a New York nightclub:

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

Ancient Chinese Medicine. #bhutan #nadopoizohang #herbalincesepowder #gottamanup #soldieron

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"I was the dancing queen that night!"

When he attempted to pen his debut single from his bed:

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

This is TORTURE. #boredshitless

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"I'm bored shitless. This is terrible."

When he did eventually get round to singing, it was an off-Broadway number called 'Ain't No Queers in Heaven':

"They're gonna slam those pearly gates, 'cos there's only room for straights! Another queen for Satan's choir, singing show tunes in the fire!"

(Ok, but seriously: is this available to stream?)

When he channeled both Lizzo and Sia during an aborted home workout:

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

My Exercise Regime. #sia #lizzo #bigbelly #haulass

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"I'm scared my water will break. If I had to haul ass, it'd take two trips."

When he recalled the time he stepped on to a travelator in Atlanta airport while high on ecstasy and ended up in jail:

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

Pillow Talk! #friedbrain #jailhouserock #ecstasy #gomybail

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

We actually can't even begin to explain this one - you just have to watch the video.

When he made another home workout video due to "popular demand" and promptly recorded himself using a back scratcher.

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

DAY ONE: EXERCISE VIDEO. More to follow. #littlefatty #poorthing #getupandgo #gotupandwent #backscratcher

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"So many people over the years have admired my rock-hard abs and very tight physique."

When he returned the next day for a sequel after realising the back scratcher could be used for indoor baton-twirling:

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

DAY TWO! #trainer #fitnessmotivation #batontwirling #fitnessforsissies

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"My daddy loved me, he just didn't know what to make of me." PREACH, Leslie.

When he launched a bid to save the life of an injured wasp on his balcony using flowers and a puddle of water:

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

Kind to wasps. #kindness #compassion #doforothers #buglovers

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"We have to be kind. That's the way it's going to end... Eesh, only one wing works. Yikes."

When he recalled the moment Betty White killed him and put his body in the freezer on an episode of 'Boston Legal':

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

The Freezer Queen. #bostonlegal @bettymwhite

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"To my side were some fake frozen foods that said 'Freezer Queen'. I put one right below my face."

When he summed up the feelings of a world on lockdown:

 
 
 
View this post on Instagram

Torture. #march #forever #teenagetantrum

A post shared by Leslie Jordan (@thelesliejordan) on

"It's still March? How many days in March! When is April gonna f**king get here?! [pause] My mother's hauling up the stairs asking who I'm talking to...

"'I'm talking to my friends momma, quit bothering me!'

"How much more of this can I take?!"